When Today's Hottest Brands Had MySpace Pages And LiveJournal Drama

A nostalgic journey through the social media graveyard, where your favorite 2024 brands would've been posting cringe content and customizing their profiles with glittery GIFs

Remember when social media was actually social? When you had to know HTML to make your profile look cool, and your top 8 friends could make or break relationships? While today's brands are busy going viral on TikTok and crafting Instagram aesthetics, let's imagine what would've happened if they'd been around during the golden age of oversharing and autoplay music.

MySpace: The Wild West of Self-Expression

Stanley's MySpace Profile

Display Name: 🏒STANLEY🏒 (ur new emotional support tumbler) Mood: Hydrated and slightly obsessed with myself Song: "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani (because I'm B-A-N-A-N-A-S popular)

About Me: been around since 1913 but suddenly everyone's OBSESSED with me??? like i get it, i keep ur drinks the perfect temp and i'm basically indestructible but the tiktok girlies have made me into their whole personality and honestly... i'm not mad about it 💅 come for my 40oz, stay for the emotional attachment

Top 8 Friends:

1. Tom (obviously)
2. That girl who owns 47 of me in different colors
3. Target (where the stampedes happen)
4. Your car's cup holder (we have a complicated relationship)
5. Hydroflask (my predecessor, respectfully)
6. Starbucks (business partnership)
7. The mom who uses me for wine (no judgment)
8. TikTok (my personal marketing team)

Comments: HydroHomie2005: "you literally changed my life!! i'm never dehydrated AND i look cute doing it"

StanleyHater42: "you're just a cup that costs $45"

Stanley_Official: "StanleyHater42 ur just mad u don't have the valentine's day limited edition 💋"

Liquid Death's MySpace Profile

Display Name: 💀LIQUID DEATH💀 (murder ur thirst) Mood: Violently hydrated Song: "Bodies" by Drowning Pool (water pun intended)

About Me: WATER. BUT MAKE IT METAL. 🤘 i'm what happens when h2o gets a face tattoo and starts a band. i come in a can because bottles are for posers. sparkling or still, i'll murder your thirst either way. don't @ me about being "just water" - i'm a LIFESTYLE.

Top 8 Friends:

1. Tom (contractually obligated)
2. Monster Energy (we share a demographic)
3. That one guy from your high school who never stopped wearing band tees
4. Metallica (aspirational friendship)
5. Every podcast bro ever
6. Smart Water (our relationship is... complicated)
7. Red Bull (we bond over extreme sports)
8. Your local tattoo artist

Profile Views: 66,666 (and counting)

Rhode's MySpace Profile

Display Name: ♡ rhode ♡ (glazed donut skin era) Mood: Dewy and unbothered Song: "Glamorous" by Fergie (because we make skincare glamorous)

About Me: hi beautiful!! i'm rhode - hailey bieber's skincare baby 🤍 i'm all about that glazed donut skin vibe but like... accessible luxury??? my peptide lip treatments are literally everywhere (sorry not sorry) and my barrier restore cream will make you look like you drink 8 glasses of water daily even if you definitely don't

Top 8 Friends:

1. Tom (he has great skin)
2. Hailey Bieber (my mom/founder/bestie)
3. Sephora (where I live rent-free)
4. Every influencer's "morning routine"
5. Drunk Elephant (skincare solidarity)
6. Glossier (we're the cool skincare girls)
7. Summer Fridays (weekend skincare vibes)
8. Your 3 AM Amazon cart

Comments: GlowUp2005: "ur peptide lip treatment is literally my personality now"

SkincareSkeptic: "another celebrity brand cash grab"

rhode_skin: "SkincareSkeptic our clinical testing results would like a word 💅"

LiveJournal: The Diary You Accidentally Made Public

Chamberlain Coffee's LiveJournal Entry

Current mood: caffeinated but make it aesthetic ☕ Current music: "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson

Date: September 12, 2006 Subject: why is everyone trying to recreate my vibe???

mood: flattered but also territorial

ok so like... i started because emma literally couldn't find good coffee anywhere and now suddenly EVERYONE is trying to do the whole "quirky coffee brand with personality" thing???

today i saw another brand trying to do the whole "we're not like other coffee companies" angle and i'm like bestie... i AM the blueprint. i've been serving main character energy since day one. my matcha latte powder literally changed the game and now everyone wants to be the "fun" coffee option.

also can we talk about how my website aesthetic is literally perfect??? like minimalist but cozy but also giving expensive taste on any budget??? the pinterest girlies are OBSESSED and honestly they should be.

anyway my sea salt toffee blend is having a moment and i'm collaborating with pinterest now so... we're kind of a big deal. emma's proud mom energy is everything.

listening to: "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield (because i'm writing my own story)

Comments: aesthetic_coffee_lover: "literally drinking your matcha while reading this!! taste = unmatched"

basic_coffee_drinker: "it's just coffee with cute packaging"

chamberlain_coffee: "basic_coffee_drinker you clearly haven't tried our social dog blend and it shows 💅"

Rare Beauty's LiveJournal Entry

Current mood: vulnerable but empowered ✨ Current music: "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson

Date: November 8, 2006 Subject: mental health matters more than perfect makeup

mood: raw but hopeful

today someone commented on my soft pinch liquid blush saying it was "too pigmented" and honestly??? it made me think about how we're all so afraid of being "too much" in any way.

like... my whole thing is about embracing being rare, being different, being ENOUGH exactly as you are. yes my blush is pigmented because some of us want to look like we're blushing from the inside out!!! yes my lipsticks are bold because sometimes you want your lips to make a statement!!!

but also... and this is important... you don't need ANY of my products to be beautiful. you're already rare. i'm just here to enhance what you already have if you want to play with makeup today.

selena keeps reminding me that this brand isn't just about products, it's about the rare beauty mental health initiative and creating a community where people feel less alone. that's what really matters.

currently listening to: "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera (because we all need the reminder)

Comments: makeup_minimalist: "your message is everything but i literally only need one drop of your blush"

rare_beauty_official: "makeup_minimalist yes queen!!! a little goes a long way 💕"

mental_health_advocate: "thank you for using your platform for good"

Friendster: The Granddaddy of Social Networking

Alo Yoga's Friendster Testimonials

"Alo Yoga makes me feel like I could run a marathon but also like I'm too cool to actually do it. Their leggings are my personality now." - YogaInfluencer2005

"I don't even do yoga but I live in Alo. It's giving expensive tastes meets comfortable lifestyle and I'm here for it." - PilatesNotYoga

"Alo taught me that workout clothes can be a full outfit. Revolutionary concept tbh." - AthleisureAddict

Drunk Elephant's Friendster Profile

Relationship Status: In a committed relationship with your skincare routine Interests: Biocompatible ingredients, avoiding the "Suspicious 6," making your skin baby-soft Favorite Quote: "Skin is not a trend, it's a lifestyle"

About Me: Clinical meets approachable. We're the skincare brand that actually explains WHY our products work instead of just throwing around buzzwords. Our C-Firma serum will change your life and our Protini cream will make you look like you sleep 8 hours a night. Science-backed, influencer-approved, derm-recommended.

Summer Fridays' Friendster Profile

Relationship Status: Seasonal but committed Interests: Jet Lag masks, weekend skincare vibes, making self-care feel effortless Favorite Quote: "Every day should feel like a summer Friday"

About Me: Started as a weekend skincare concept, now we're your everyday glow-up essential. Our Jet Lag mask is literally everywhere and our Cloud Dew moisturizer gives you that "I just came back from vacation" glow year-round. We're giving effortless skincare for busy people who still want to look amazing.

The Social Media Platform That Never Was: Google+

Every Brand's Google+ Experience

Status: Tumbleweeds rolling through the comments Circles: "People We're Pretending Care About Our Google+ Presence" Hangouts: Empty rooms where brands talked to themselves

Stanley's Google+ post: "Posted a pic of my new colorway. 2 likes. Both from my own employees. This is going well."

Rhode's Google+ post: "Dropped my skincare routine. Zero engagement. I guess glazed donut skin doesn't translate to Google+ clout."

Chamberlain Coffee's Google+ post: "Day 73 of posting coffee content to an audience of literally nobody. The void is well-caffeinated though."

Rare Beauty's Google+ post: "Trying to start mental health conversations here but... is anyone actually here? Hello? Echo... echo... echo..."

The Takeaway: Some Things Never Change

Looking back at this imaginary social media history, it's clear that whether brands were customizing MySpace layouts or crafting the perfect six-second Vine, the goal was always the same: be memorable, be relatable, and hope someone screenshots your content for their finsta story.

The platforms may have evolved, but the desperate need to seem cool while selling products? That's eternal. At least now we have analytics to tell us exactly how our posts are flopping instead of just guessing based on profile views.

Now excuse me while I go update my LinkedIn to include "MySpace HTML Expert" in my skills section.